5 Reflection Questions for Parents of Mixed Kids

So you have a mixed kid--welcome to the world of complex social identities!  

Here’s some things you’ll need to know before you get into the reflection part of this guide.

What this reflection guide IS NOT: 

1. This guide will not teach you how to do your kid’s hair.

2. This guide will not tell you where to buy dolls/books/toys that reflect your child’s identity.

3. This guide will not help you to navigate other people’s feelings or opinions on your child’s race and your family’s diversity.

4. This guide is not a test to see how #woke you are compared to other parents of mixed kids.

If you are looking for these things you won’t find them here.

What this reflection guide IS:

This guide and the questions inside are ALL ABOUT YOU. We learn how to be people from the people that take care of us and your mixed kid is learning how to be them by watching you. So if you want to help them have a strong sense of themselves which includes racial identity, you’ve got to get clear on what you’re projecting. The questions below are for you to answer honestly. Your answers can be written down in a journal or talked out aloud in a voice memo on your phone. It might feel uncomfortable, it might be painful. We don’t talk about race a lot and we definitely don’t talk about it honestly, but your kid is depending on you so please “go there.” 

Race vs. Culture: 

I use the word race explicitly throughout this guide. Race is a social structure that was created to allocate resources based on various phenotypic features (skin color, hair texture, eye shape, etc). It is the box you check on a form: White, Black, Latinx, Asian, Native American, Other. Because it is a social system it can change over time and across location. Race in the U.S. may look very different from race in Brazil or Japan. It’s important to recognize that White Supremacy is a global affliction and whatever qualifies as White in a given place is often at the top. Race is a system of categorization that maintains an unequal power structure. It has been around a long time and its history has consequences for all of us. We cannot change it or ignore it because it is part of many of our social systems. 

Culture is made up of the customs of a particular group. This could include language, dress, food, religion/spiritual practices and a bunch of other stuff. Race and culture interact and can be related but they are not the same. Your family may have been very intentional about sharing culture with your mixed kids but that does not necessarily translate into them understanding their racial identity in this social system. When answering the questions below please think in terms of those boxes on a form, the very clearly defined categories of race.

Reflection Questions:

1. When did you learn about your race? What did you learn?

2. What did you learn about other people’s race? What did you learn about the race of your partner(s)/co-parent(s)?

3. What conversations about race have you had with your partner(s)/co-parent(s)?

4. What do you tell your child about their race?

5. What conversations have you had with multiracial people about their racialized experience? How has that informed the way you see your child’s race?

Next Steps: 

Once you’ve answered the questions above I encourage you to take the following “next steps.”

• Share your answers to questions 1, 2 & 4 with your partner(s)/co-parent(s). Notice what comes up for you--what feelings are present, what behaviors might you exhibit, how do you feel in your body? Write some notes about these things after your conversation.

• Reflect on how this dynamic shows up in communicating with your child about race. Are the same feelings, behaviors and somatic symptoms present? How might that affect how your child feels about talking about race and their racial identity?
   

Phew! That was an undertaking, I’m jittery just writing these tasks down for you all. This is really hard stuff. As a multiracial person whose parents didn’t have a lot of these conversations I can tell you I am so proud of you and excited for the impact just this little bit of work will have on your kiddos! This is just the beginning and I hope you’ll continue to have these kinds of conversations, do research on the history of race wherever you are and stretch yourself to learn more. Your kiddos are on their own journey and it won’t look like yours or anyone else’s in your family (not even their siblings!) but the more that you have a comfort level of speaking openly and honestly, recognizing the impact of race in our lives and are brave enough to listen you’re doing a lot. 

If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one or with your family you can join my email list below and I'll follow up.